Beyond Absurd
by Pixie Child
Summary: It is -not- a zombie attack. Even for Eureka, that's just insane.


**Characters**: Allison Blake, Emily Glenn, Jack Carter, Jo Lupo, S.A.R.A.H., Zane Donovan  
**Timeline**: Post season 3.5  
**Summary**: It is _not _a zombie attack. Even for Eureka, that's just insane.  
**A/N**: I'm well aware this is way darker then Eureka will (hopefully) ever get. But I couldn't help myself.  
**A/N2**: Well, this fic was a failure from the very start. The intention was to have drabbles of Jo across Eureka being a kickass Zombie Slayer. Instead, I made her into a helpless female-type character suffering from something similar to the disease in Christopher Pike's Monster. Which is an awesome book and everyone should read it as long as they don't mind being turned into a scared little girl via a teenage horror novel, but that isn't the point.  
**Written for**: The eureka_tag 4.0 warm-up #1  
**Beta**: None.  
**Feedback**: is a must!  
**Disclaimer**: Not mine. I play with other people's toys.  
**Posted**: June 30, 2010

- - Lines from the "Jo of the Dead" promo I tried to include;  
Bring it over here, embrace the absurd  
Whatever happened to him is getting worse  
zombie apocalypse  
locked and loaded with attitude to spare intense, shocking, insane the equation has changed

* * *

Carter had just sat down to watch the baseball game SARAH recorded last week. Zoe was away at school, Allison wasn't due for another two weeks and Jo was on-call. He had the remote in his hand and a cold beer on the coffee table, he was ready for the week to be over and he settled in to enjoy a calm evening alone. So he really should have expected to be disturbed.

Just as he was about to turn on the game, a loud, rhythmic banging began to come from his front door.

"There is a visitor at the door!" SARAH chirped helpfully.

"Yeah, thanks, SARAH. I got that." Jack groaned as he pushed himself off the couch. "Who is it?"

"Facial recognition scans identify Dr. Lee Cole, however I detect no body heat and only minimal brain power coming from Dr. Cole." She informed him over the noise from outside the bunker.

Jack made a face. "SARAH, you're about three months early for Halloween jokes."

"I am unaware of any attempt to fool you, Sheriff."

"Uh-huh. Right." The noise continued. He moved toward the source, his arms crossed. "SARAH, door." The bunker's door hissed open and the man identified as Dr. Cole stumbled inside. Slowly, Cole steadied himself against the wall. "Can I help you?" The other man looked up and Jack only had a second to register the vacant look and bone-white skin before the scientist launched himself at Carter.

"SARAH! A little help!" He tried to push his assailant away, only to have the guy grab his hair in retaliation.

"Dr. Cole, you seem agitated." The AI tried, "Would you like a cup of herbal tea to clam your nerves?"

"SARAH!" He chastised his house and the distraction gave Cole time to scratch at Carter's face. "_Helpful_ help, please."

"Your sidearm is in the front closet." She reminded him.

"Thanks." He ducked the scientist again and darted to retrieve his gun. Right in front. Thank god. He pulled it out of the holster it was hanging in and directed it toward the man who was slowly advancing towards him. "Look, guy, I don't know what I did to piss you off, but I don't want to hurt you." Cole didn't react, he just kept walking forward. Jack backed up towards the kitchen. "SARAH, any advice on how to deal with brain-dead scientists that attack unprovoked?"

"Current media suggests shooting zombies in the head with a shotgun is the ideal way to defend yourself."

"SARAH! He is not a zombie!" The guy let out a guttural moan and raised his arms mid-air, swiping in the direction of Carter. Jack could practically _hear_ SARAH judging him. "He's not!" Suddenly, Cole threw himself at Carter, baring his teeth. Jack fired twice, both times hitting him in the shoulder. It didn't slow him down though, and it took three more bullets, two in the leg and one is the abdomen before he stopped advancing. Keeping the man in sight, Carter went back to the closet, retrieved his handcuffs. He walked back to the man cautiously and carefully reached down to cuff the guy. He got the silver cuff around one wrist before the guy lunged his head down and tried to _bite_ Carter.

"Crap!" Quickly, Jack got the guy's hands behind his back and hauled him into the kitchen. "Oh, come on, is one night off too much to ask?" He muttered to himself.

"There is hemp cord in the junk drawer from one of Zoe's old art projects." SARAH offered, opening the drawer for him. He reached in blindly, finding the cord without taking his eyes off the wounded man. "But I still believe that Dr. Cole is a zombie and all my research say-"

"Stop it, SARAH. For the last time, he is _not_ a zombie." He argued as he tied him to the chair. "SARAH, call Allison."

"I am unable to get a connection to the Eureka telephone system."

"Awesome." Jack took a deep breath, intent on trying to clear his head, and ended up gagging. "God. What is that? It smells like rotting... meat. SARAH?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"The odour is coming from the man in the kitchen who is not a zombie."

"Right." Reaching the front door, he waited for SARAH to open it, thinking it should have been obvious that he was going to have to leave. "SARAH, door."

"I do not think it is a good idea to go outside, Sheriff. There could be more people out there with _whatever_ has afflicted Dr. Cole."

"Yes. Which is why I need to contact Allison and Jo to get an idea of what it is and how far it's spread." He pointed out, and healed his breath. He _really_ didn't have time to argue with his house right now. The door hissed and slid open. Carter managed to suppress a whoop of relief and darted out of the bunker before she could change her mind. "Thanks, SARAH!" He kept running until he reached the Jeep. He fidgeted with his keys for a moment, then heard the chirp of the car unlocking and jumped in. He grabbed the radio desperately.

"Carter to Lupo, Lupo respond! Over." He waited six seconds then was about to try again when it crackled.

"Lupo here. Thank got you're okay." There was a long paused. "Over." Any other time, Carter would have teased her for forgetting. As it was, he barely registered it.

"Jo! What the hell is going on? Over." Carter hissed into the handset.

"Zombie apocalypse. Over."

"Jo, I am not kidding. Over."

"Neither am I. I'm outside Global right now. I have no idea what's going on, but I do know it's got something to do with disassembling corpses." He heard his Deputy curse and he unconsciously rubbed the back of his neck. He _so_ did not want to have to deal with this. "Over."

"Do I want to know how you know that? Over."

"There's a corps out here, missing a arm and part of his thigh. And while I can't say for sure, because it's dark out here, it looked like teeth marks. Over."

Carter's stomach rolled. "Oh god. So the answer to my question was 'no', huh? Over."

"Yeah, I guess. Look, just get down here. Now. Allison's with me, and I don't like the idea of being alone with a very pregnant lady in such a stressful situation. Over."

Carter grinned, despite himself. "What, are you afraid her pregnancy hormones' kick in and she'll make a move on you? Over."

"No..." Whenever he got a good one on her, it made her end up dragging out her words. "I may not have my own kid, but I have an idea of how it works." Unfortunately, it also usually leads to her talking to him like he was an idiot. "Stress can induce labour. And I have no intention of doing _your other job_ as birthing coach just because the undead are taking over Eureka. Over and out."

* * *

When he arrived at GD, Jack made sure to park as close to Jo's car as possible. This way, he could talk to her without getting out of his own vehicle. For a moment, he felt silly for being afraid of the dark, then he remembered the guy tied his kitchen chair and the corps Jo mentioned. Disturbed, he realized he should be been feeling way more surreal about all this then he was.

"Embrace the absurd." He muttered under his breath. Carter crawled across to his passenger seat and rolled down his window and raps on Jo's. Immediately, she opened her window as well.

"It took you long enough!" His deputy hissed at him, fuming. "Allison kept insisting that we had to go in without you?"

Jack looked at the pregnant woman doubtfully. "Right. I hope you told her she's not going anywhere."

"I'm sitting right here!" Allison snapped, loading a semi-auto the best she could given the advanced state of her pregnancy and cramped space of Lupo's passenger seat. "And I'm going. Not only do you need me to access Section Five research but you're going to need all the manpower you can get."

Suddenly, Carter heard a loud moan breaking the silence around them. "What the hell was that?"

"Fargo."

"What?" He squinted in the dark, trying to see him. "Where is he?"

"In the trunk."

"What?"

"He's infected, too. And whatever happened to him is getting worse. Which is a real bitch, because he was one of the heads of the project."

"Shit. Who was the other guy?"

Jo jerked her chin in the direction of GD's doors, the corps she'd told him about just barely illuminated by the lights along the wall. His stomach fought against him. "God. Did Fargo..."

"No." Allison assured him. Jack sighed in relief. "We were working with him to contain it when he began to show signs of infection. Jo seemed to take a little more enjoyment in manhandling him out of Global, though."

"Jo Lupo, Killer Zombie hunter, protector of Eureka." He intoned, "Her guns are locked and loaded, with attitude to spare."

"Shut up, Carter. Now are we going in or what?"

"Yeah. Let's move." He opened the door, only to have it hit Jo's.

"Uh, Carter? Maybe you should move your Jeep first."

"Probably a good idea." He climbed back over to the driver's seat and pulled just far enough away so that they could both exit their cars without having to perform any gymnastics. Quickly, he jumped out of the vehical and ran over to Jo. "If Fargo's in the trunk, where's your arsenal? Please tell me you didn't leave it at the station."

"Back seat." She told him. She opened the back door and handed him an assault rifle. "Here."

"Remember, non-lethal force." She looked at him disgusted.

"No. Not unless you want to end up like Fargo or the dead guy."

"Allison, is there a chance we can cure these guys?" He asked, not breaking eye contact with Jo to look at the other woman.

"Assuming we can reach Section Five and analyze the cause-"

"That's a yes, then." The Sheriff nodded to himself. "Non-lethal."

"I'll do the best I can."

The Jeep shook a little as a door slammed. They both looked over at Allison, who'd just gotten out of the car and was double-checking the gun she'd been working on earlier. Both law enforcement officers opened their mouths, but she stopped them with a look. "I'm coming and that's it. The longer we stand here, the less likely we're going to be able to stop this. And everyone here knows what General Mansfield's solution will be if you can't get a handle on the situation." To Carter's shock, she then test-fired the gun at a tree a few yards away. "Bull's-eye."

"Dr. Blake?" Lupo asked.

"Just checking." She grinned sheepishly. "It's been a while since I took the Advanced Weaponry test. I just wanted to make sure I'm fresh." With that, she turned and marched toward GD. "You coming?" She called after them, impatiently.

Sheriff Carter looked over at Jo to find her watching him. "I guess we follow the lady with the scary gun." Lupo arched an eyebrow at him. "The _other_ lady with the scary gun." He clarified.

* * *

"This is insane. This whole town is completely _insane_!" Jack ranted, pacing around the surprising spacious lab in Section Five. "I swear, if we survive this, I'm quitting. I told Stark-" As soon as the name left his mouth, he shut it, glancing guiltily at Allison. Luckily, she was busy with Zane and Dr. Glenn, arguing about the strain of something in... something.

"No, no, no!" Emily argued quietly, pointing at something on the whiteboard. "This isn't the same this as-"

"I know." Zane cut the veterinarian off. "But the equation has changed since then. The virus mutated and..."

"Oh, God." Jo gave a shuttering gasp from her spot in the far corner where she was sitting. She looked like she was going to be sick.

"Jo?" She didn't look up. Quickly, he went over to his deputy. "You okay?" He squatted down in front of her. "Jo?"

"...god..."

"It's finally getting to you, huh?" He grinned. "Big bad Lupo finally met something that even she is freaked out by."

"Carter..." Finally, she raised her head and met his eyes. "I want you to shoot me."

"What?" Jack laughed nervously. "I don't know if you've noticed, but this really isn't the best time for morbid jokes, Jo."

"I'm not kidding."

"Look, Jo-" He began, his voice rising in panic.

"Shh!" She glared at him, but the effect was somewhat lessened by the fact that she was hugging her knees to her chest and looking like she was going to be sick. "I want you to shoot me. Now." She hissed. "My gut is cramping real bad and I can barely hear anything over the blood in my ears." Jack blanched. Those were the symptoms Fargo told Allison and Jo he's had before Lupo had to incapacitate him. "One of the things got me on the way here. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure."

"Look, Jo, it's probably just whatever you had for lunch-"

"Look!" Jo let go of her knees and violently pointed to the ragged tear on her left shoulder. There was a gash, only about an inch and a half long but very deep, still slowly bleeding. Her finger hit the wound and she hissed through clenched teeth. "I wasn't sure before, but I am now. I tried to clean it with the ethanol on the bench, but..." She closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "I can feel it. It's like this weird hunger that starts and ends with this pain between my eyes."

"Jo, I'm not going to-"

"Yes." She told him firmly, her breath coming out in shallow pants. "You are. Because you're the Sheriff and it's your job to protect the town." He opened his mouth to argue again, but she stopped him by reaching out with unsteady hands and taking his in her own. "Please, Chief," she pleaded, "Don't make me ask Zane. Please."

"Jo, I can't. Look, you're one of the strongest people I know. You can beat this thing." He looked over that the three scientists at the other end of the room for help but they were oblivious to the desperation not 50 feet from them. "I'll cuff you, chain you to the table, whatever. Hell, I'll go back out there and drag you to a cryochamber myself if I have to."

"No." She's stubborn, that's for damn sure. "There's no time. You open that door and you risk exposing Eureka's last hope of stopping this thing. And you're right, I'm _the_ strongest person you know. Which means that I'll be able to get out of whatever restraints you use on me." Jo's trembling became stronger and he realized she was crying. Doing everything she could to hide it, but she was dissolving in tears right before his eyes. "I'd do it for you."

"Jo..." He put a hand on her arm, attempting to comfort her. She jerked away hard and her head slammed against the wall with a solid thud in her effort to get away.

"Do. Not. Touch. Me." She glared at him and for a brief instant, he was afraid of her. Then the tears began to fall faster and she curled in on herself again. "_Please_, Jack. Now. I can't control it." She bit her lip so hard it began bleeding heavily. "Save me from this."

Silently, Jack nodded and stood up. He withdrew his handgun, turned off the safety and levelled it at the young woman who had worked beside him for the last four years. He closed his eyes, his finger on the trigger and...

"Carter!" Allison screamed his name and then Zane was on him, wrestling the gun out of his hand.

"You bastard! What the hell are you doing?"

"Zane, she-"

And that was when the young doctor used the confiscated weapon to hit him upside the head.

* * *

"Holy mother of all hangovers..." Jack opened his eyes and the room swam around him. Right away, he closed them again, but it wasn't fast enough for the sensation to make his last meal betray him and he heaved, turning just quickly enough to keep from throwing up on himself.

"Now that's attractive." A female voice floated toward him. He grunted and threw up again.

After a while, he stopped retching and slowly shifted away from the place he'd been sick. "Ugh. Kill me now."

"Sorry, there will be no mercy killings today. By the enforcement of one Dr. Zane Donovan." The feminine lithe was familiar, but Carter couldn't place it. It wasn't Allison, Zoe or Jo. And it certainly wasn't S.A.R.A.H. He heard footsteps approach him and then felt a hand on his forearm. "Hey. Do you think you're well enough to sit up?"

"Yeah." He rasped. With her help, he was able to get over to a wall and lean against it. "Thanks." Without opening his eyes, he raised his hand to the throbbing pain in his head. He gingerly touched his temple, then pulled it back as he gave a whimper of pain. His fingers came back warm and sticky. A bleeding head wound, then. With his luck, it would probably be brain trauma. "Awesome."

"Glad you think so. Here, it's water." Jack squinted carefully, and saw the wisps of blonde hair falling out of his saviour's messy ponytail and amused green eyes watching him.

"Dr. Glenn." Well, at lease he hadn't been rendered totally brain-dead then. "What happened?"

"That depends on how much you remember."

"Zombie apocalypse." He said, repeating the obnoxious expression Jo used earlier. Then, "Holy crap, Jo!"

"She's fine. We figured it out just in time." Jack felt her sit next to him, her arm brushing his. "She's resting in the infirmary. We were actually more worried about you. You'd be there too, except Allison was afraid to move you. He's got quite the right-cross."

"Yeah, well, it's easy to knock someone unconscious when you attack them from behind and hit them in the head with the butt of their gun." He muttered. "But it's all fixed now? Everyone's better?"

"Just about. We're still in lockdown, but that's just because that haven't been able to secure the entire town and they don't want to risk another exposure."

"That makes sense. How's Allison?"

"A lot smaller then the last time you saw her." Emily chuckled. "Right after she told the General that we had it under control, she went into labour."

Huh. Another happy ending. Maybe he wouldn't be resigning after all.

"Now come on. Let's get you to see the doctors who're actually _qualified_ to treat you."

* * *

"Hey, Chief." When Carter woke up again, he was greeted by his deputy's smiling, _healthy_ face. "I can't believe they're letting you get away with lazing around like this."

"Yeah. That's what I'm doing, just dicking around until they realize it's just a little head wound." He replied, deadpan, but grinned back.

"Well, I'm sick of being in charge, so hurry up and stop milking the system, Carter." She paused and just stared at him. Jack shifted, uncomfortable.

"Jo?"

She averted her gaze, pointedly looking past him. "Look, Chief, about before..." She coughed, and then cleared her throat loudly, obviously stalling.

"Forget about it, Jo."

"No. I can't. Not until I say it." She met his eyes again. "Thanks. I really mean it. If they hadn't found the cure when they did... I'm grateful that I could trust you to take me out before I lost control."

"Yeah, well, I wish you could say the same for your boyfriend."

"Yeah, sorry about that. He's a little crazy."

"Must be why you two are such a good match." Jo laughed and slugged him in the arm. "Oww!"

"You're one to talk. There's a zombie apocalypse and you get taken down by my maniac boyfriend."


End file.
